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<title>i wrote an entire album (about us drowning) by asphxdels</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22774942">i wrote an entire album (about us drowning)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphxdels/pseuds/asphxdels'>asphxdels</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Captain America: Civil War compliant, Guilt, Lots of Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers feels guilty, civil war aftermath, walking under the rain</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 14:28:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,547</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22774942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphxdels/pseuds/asphxdels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>what troubles him right now the most though, is the fact that tony is <em>here</em>. he is <em>with</em> him, walking <em>beside</em> him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>past Steve Rogers/Tony Stark - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Tony Stark Bingo 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i wrote an entire album (about us drowning)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>written for tsb2020 — square S1, steve rogers/captain america, card number #3114</p><p>look at me, trying to write angst for my first attempt at writing a ship.</p><p>first of all, a huge thank you goes to <a>eachpeachpearplum</a> who is such a wonderful beta, i don't know if i'd find the courage to post this work without her help. </p><p>that being said, i'm always open to constructive criticism as long as it's not too offensive. so feel free to point out my mistakes in the comments.</p><p>lastly, the full lowercase style in this story is intentional, i hope it comes as easy on the eyes.</p><p>enjoy! xx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>steve rogers can’t help but think it's his luck when the rain starts to pour from the sky like it’s been waiting for him, personally targeting him. it wouldn’t come to him as a surprise if, in fact, the rain itself resented him for what he had done. for just a few seconds, he imagines the raindrops running down his bare neck and clothed shoulders washing his regrets away, taking some of the weight on his shoulders off as they go. those few seconds run out fast, as most of his moments of serenity do nowadays.</p><p>he bows his head, silently cursing under his breath, then speeds up a little. he knows the rain pouring down his shoulders and soaking through his sweater and jeans won’t make him sick, nor will the cold weather and the harsh wind; his supersoldier metabolism won’t let it happen. that doesn’t mean his package won’t end up soaking wet before he arrives home, though. if only he can make it to his apartment before the stack of books he’s been carrying becomes an unreadable mess.</p><p>steve’s hair starts to invade the top half of his face in darker shades of blond, straightened wet strands covering both of his eyes and keeping him from seeing the road ahead of him clearly. he needs both hands to hold the books to his chest, so he just keeps walking. in a matter of minutes, steve realizes he can’t even tell if he’s going in the right direction anymore. he really should’ve listened to his neighbor’s warning and taken an umbrella when he left home in the first place. </p><p>he adds that conversation with the man to the list of things he should have listened to. he should’ve listened <em>better</em>, followed <em>better</em>. the list seems to only grow.</p><p>once he raises his head to get a glimpse of the road ahead, he knows his case is helpless.</p><p>he’s about to give up and just look for some kind of shelter to wait under until the rain slows down when suddenly he’s not exposed to the cold drops of water anymore.</p><p>the blond looks around to figure out what is going on, eyes finally settling to his right side, and for a moment, he’s sure he passed out at some point and started dreaming. his brain just can’t seem to grasp the figure of the man he’s looking at that seemingly just appeared out of thin air. </p><p>against all the odds, two feet away from him stands tony stark in a pitch-black, three-piece suit. holding his large umbrella above his and steve’s head, he looks glamorous, even under the sharp drops of water and the blowing wind. </p><p>judging only by tony’s appearance and the way he carries himself, some people would think he isn’t affected by the incidents he went through over the last couple of years, but steve knows better. </p><p>he drops his head again, and this time he doesn’t dare to look up.</p><p>thinking back, when he's not being too hard on himself unlike today, steve rogers can’t find it in himself to regret <em>all</em> of his past actions. actually, if steve could go back in time, there’s not much he would have done differently. he is not happy where he ended up in the end, and sure, he’s willing to admit he made mistakes, but he’s standing behind the decisions that have been made. </p><p>well,<em> mostly</em>. because the ghost of one particularly terrible decision always follows him around like a shadow, clinging to the depths of his conscience. </p><p>even just thinking about what he does regret feels like he is drowning in a sea of emotions. he just thinks and thinks and thinks about how they could have ended up <em>together</em>. that if they followed a different path, tony would be his to wrap his arms around, to touch and love without the fear of rejection. if he just kept one secret less. just one moment of truth and he could’ve had it all.</p><p>if steve had been the one tony learned the inevitable truth from, then maybe steve would not only have a shot with saving their relationship but he might have been able to convince tony to take in his point of view of the rest of the situation. steve knew it was a long shot to begin with, but he can't help but think that in a perfect world where everything went right, there’s a chance he could've actually had tony by his side. </p><p>he stops himself once he realizes he’s getting lost in the utopia he created in his head. steve has to be honest to himself, he acknowledges that even if he was truly honest to the man he wants to be with, the rest of it wouldn’t come that easily. there were too many other things that would have stood in between reality and his wildest fantasies.</p><p>still, he knows at least they’d have had a chance to make it work.</p><p>now, the trust and faith they once had have been destroyed to their very core.</p><p>they keep walking side by side for what feels like forever, and steve thinks he’s drowning in the uncomfortable silence that accompanies them. tony’s face seems indifferent, but steve is itching to say something, anything. he hasn’t talked to him for over two years now, and the man he’s been longing for for <em>so long</em> stands <em>right there</em>. </p><p>it’s not like he hasn’t tried, but he had to accept at some point that his apologies didn’t mean anything where there was nothing left to make up for. </p><p>he wishes he had things to say that would make tony yell at him. ‘if tony gets a chance to pour out his heart,’ steve had reasoned, ‘to get the anger out of him then <em>maybe</em>, just maybe, there would be some space left in there for something other than bitter feelings towards me.’ </p><p>he still remembers the look of resignation on tony’s face when they exchanged their very last words like it was yesterday. the picture of the exact moment the last glimpse of light left tony’s honey brown eyes, he knew he had lost it all. steve hadn’t wanted to admit it in that instant, but he just <em>knew</em> nothing between him and tony would be the same anymore. the special bond they once had was gone now, and the sense of cold unevenness seeping into the fractures in his soul is the only solid thing left behind to hold on. </p><p>he is ready to do everything in his power to get back the beautiful thing he lost, but there is nothing he can do. he is past the days where he replayed all the fights that had happened in his head, trying to find a way out of this misery he’s in until he can’t tell which scenario is real and which is illusory. he counts himself lucky that he is still sane to live this day.</p><p>what troubles him right now the most though, is the fact that tony is <em>here</em>. he is<em> with</em> him, walking <em>beside</em> him. how is steve supposed to overthrow the insidious anticipation of his heart when he is currently standing under the umbrella tony holds out for him?</p><p><em>he is a good person</em>, steve’s logic chimes in,<em> it is not meant to be a display of forgiveness</em>. but all of his thoughts and emotions and his soul and heart are divided by the possibilities and no matter the reality, steve just wants to hear tony’s voice. he can’t bear the quite, especially when coming from him.</p><p>they’re just a few steps away from the neighborhood his apartment is located in, and steve is not thinking anymore. he has nothing left to lose. </p><p>before he knows it, he opens his mouth in one last desperate attempt to soothe the aching in his heart.</p><p>“tony…” his throat feels sore, almost like he hasn’t spoken a word in days. “tony, please, just—”</p><p>steve doesn’t know what he asks for, he’s ready for anything, everything tony has to throw his way. he just wants to hear him speak.</p><p>he finally finds the courage in him and looks up at the man next to him, pleading eyes searching for a clue in the others’ face. tony seems to be completely nonchalant, and it would break steve’s heart if there was anything left to be broken. </p><p>just for a second, steve thinks he sees a hint of emotion flashing through the genius’ eyes, but it’s gone before he knows it. steve thinks he’s seeing things. he starts to wonder if this is really happening right now, if any of this is even real. </p><p>then, he sees tony parting his lips. and closing them almost immediately.</p><p>everything starts to fall apart <em>all over</em> <em>again</em> when tony drops the umbrella and turns around to leave without saying a word. steve catches the handle before it hits the ground by pure instinct. he can’t do anything but watches tony’s calm steps in the opposite direction. he feels more helpless than he’s ever been. </p><p>in all the time steve has known him, he has never thought the most heartbreaking thing that could come out of tony stark’s smart yet cruel mouth would be his silence.</p><p><br/>
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